感触

阻止不了自己，又上来写感受了。文字是我认为最能表达，又能让我留住那一眩间感受的方式。所以，我又来了。不能为了惩罚自己而停止为生命留下记忆。

今天，4月8日了。刚刚大家帮建杰庆祝生日。4月7日，UMIT 交棒会议，UMIT XIII 结束了，14届上场。自己少了其他MT的stayback经历，所以少了些感触。PM 面试，简单问简单过。读了下书，感觉好累了。。身边的朋友，很多都有压力，不开心，帮不到他们，自己都顾不好，很累。。要帮建杰庆祝生日。原本想过怎么玩，但情形不对，所以只做了个路人甲。建杰有点冷。。生日会场面也有点冷，传统游戏照玩，但这次为什么感觉他们，有点过度？还是。。。不懂啦。。其实都不是重点。。

让我感动的是，刚刚有筠霏、炜祥、家伦、微文和我，大家聚在一处，有的没的搭话。感觉好幸福，好温馨。没试过这样的聚在一起，这么悠闲，这么轻松。没有特定的谈话内容，就自然的聊着。这几个都是我放在心上的朋友，是我所珍惜的。没有烦人的事，没有心机，没有坏话，开开玩笑，小孩般的闹。我喜欢这种感觉，也是第一次经历到。很安宁。。很想留住，舍不得离开。。这个磁场很好。以后还会有这样的机会吗？我不知道。
拍拍照，回个身，看见刚刚在嘛嘛档那几个学弟妹们，吃饱回来了，在旁边看着我们，看我们搞什么，感觉很搞笑。

夜了，散场了，淡淡的不舍，深入内心的感动，只能靠文字，留住。。。

想念在一起的日子，留住，珍惜。。。

CC last meeting

最后一次会议了。。这次是提早了，记得去年是考试前，staylist出后（好像。。不是很记得了）。出席率不是很满意，没有80%应该。BBQ是今年的更新点。节目，多媒体秀让人重温这个学年在二舍西西的各大小活动。西西颁奖典礼，搞笑之余又联络感情，使这个last meeting更有意义。

最后感言应该是学期结束才写的。但提早的西西最后会议，让我有了些感触。。住宿舍，我早做了每年面对新面孔，每年开始新经历，每年接受新的感觉，还有，每年面对分离。我告诉自己要习惯，要接受，要懂得如何收放自己的心情。第一学年的经验告诉我，我是成功的。第一年比较亲近的朋友都搬出去了，我没有特别留恋。第二年，换了一批。这次比较多，更多的交流，更亲近的关系，我还不知道我放得下吗。现在的我，觉得我是可以的。

传道书说，虚空的虚空，虚空的虚空，一切都是虚空。我是受影响太深了吗？？我觉得自己有时对感情的事，无论是亲情还是友情，似乎太淡了点。我会关心，我会在乎，但我也很容易放下。我都觉得不可思议，是EQ太高？还是感情太淡薄？？是见过太多其他人的经历，懂得如何调整自己？还是保护自己太紧，不让自己受到伤害？

现在头脑里管理自己感觉的位置，是空空的。理智在掌权。也许是考试近了，读书压力大过一切吧。。回头看了下，还有大批知识还没进脑。。要加油了。。。

难以解释的感觉。。

辅导员，第一个要辅导的就是自己。而我，就遇到了第一个，从未面对过的难题。。没人帮得到我，因为我害怕，害怕其他人的介入会让事情更糟糕。。我到现在还是懵懵懂懂的，不懂该有什么感觉。。我不知道自己是不去接受，还是意识不到事情的严重性。早上去到教会，在那里有了一个想法。那是我唯一想到，也许是可行的方法。我不知道上帝的旨意，但我知道自己做不到什么。我希望不会是我不想要的那个结果，但我还是希望上帝斩断那不属于我的。。昨晚又淋雨了，驾摩多，淋得够够力，有心或无意，我说是赶回来西西会议。自己的事，要自己解决。解决不了，我会找可以给我意见的master student兼lecturer。一个月，不会很久的。。

I'm back

离开了几天的时间，我又回来了。。五天，是对自己的惩罚，因为定了目标却没达到，所以禁止自己碰电脑。今天是新阶段的开始，所以在执行惩罚前放任自己在写一个post吧。。我喜欢写下自己的感觉，因为认为言语能表达的空间很大很广，另一方面可以在我忘了那种感觉时，回来找回。。

昨天是MATBII，一年一次，大家都会盛装赴会的‘大’日子。整房人从下午两点半就开始忙着弄头发、化妆。我都不会，但好在有两个很强的室友，而我的外在美与丑，就在他们的‘掌握’中啦。。哈哈。。。结果效果--赞！！Evonne 第一次弄我这种发型，效果大家都很满意，不得不说，他真的好有天分哦！！微文帮我化妆，真的谢谢他，因为我虽看过不少人化，但自己还是不上手。。笨嘛。。衣服是系友借的，我喜欢的银色，却一直找不到合意的，好开心能借到。高高的鞋，也是Evonne的，很衬我衣服，所以虽然有点辛苦我的脚，但我还是穿了，还好走几下就顺脚了，谢谢Evonne的鞋。。

拍照是MATBII最大的乐趣！穿美美，拍美美，以后看了也开心，因为我知道，再过几个月，大家（某些人）见面的机会就少只有少了。另一个令我很开心的就是，我真的很欣赏自己拍的相片，哈哈，拍到我要的感觉。。这是我所自豪的。。画画没人强，但拍出来的相片，证明我还是有艺术细胞的。。哈哈//感谢帮我掌机的人，也感谢帮我留住回忆的人。

想提醒大家，外表的美，让人赏心悦目，但内心的美，才能留住人心。过了那一学期一次的‘美’瘾，该回来准备考试啦！！一起加油吧！！

心情--共勉之。。

亲爱的室友们、X-室友们、朋友们、旧同窗好友、家乡朋友们、家人、认识的、不认识的。。。

许多时候，我们都经历着很多的事情。家庭问题、学业成绩、功课压力、工作忙碌、感情问题、友情烦恼、同学争执、财政危机。。。有些事可以让我们很开心，有时伤心、烦恼、低潮、兴奋、孤单、忧虑、关心、逃避、生气、讨厌、不舍、失望。。。。。。

人类是有情绪的生物，所以很多时候是很难避免不受影响的。我承认，我也是很情绪化的一个人。我可以很低落，但我也很容易恢复心情。感受到最近身边朋友，很多都不开心，想跟大家分享下。。

其实，这世上是没有任何一个困难，是人所不能解决的。因为，上帝给予人的试探，不会超过人所能承受的范围。还有一句话说：当上天把你面前的门关了，他会另外为你开一扇窗。有时问题看似解决不了，但其实只是你被盲点遮盖了。你能做的，就是退一步，看清整个问题；或找其他人帮忙，找出解决方案。最近书上读到：人的压力，是自己的思想行为所引起的。很明显，情绪低落，是自己想要的，而未必是事情或其他人所引起的。开心与不开心是自己掌握的，所以，何不尝试掌控自己的一切？

从失败中学习成长。没有经历过失败的人才是可悲的。重要的是我们有没有从失败中提取教训？有没有改进？有没有预想到下一次会有类似的事情发生，而那时你是否又是用同样失败的方法去行？还是回想上一次的失败，针对类似的问题寻找对策？

当你觉得发生的问题已超过你所能承受的范围，不要自己承受，试着与可以信任的人分享。看到你不开心，我会担心；看到你憋着不说，我更痛心。不要害怕给别人带来烦恼，因为有时你的隐瞒，反而更让人担心。有问题就要解决。不开心就要发泄。希望大家都能找到适合自己的疏解方式。切记，永远不要有自残的念头，因为就算到了最坏的地步，你还是比很多人幸运！

Family..

Idea taken from jia nee blog...

Thinking of my family...

Actually I seldom think of my family. I seldom call back since I come KL. Only if I 'suddenly' remember that i have not call back or receive call from family, then I will call back, and that is nearly one month time already..Both of my parents are working, office hour, only at home at night time. I am actually not so close with my parents. Well, i dont mean that we are ignoring each other, just, I never share about my feelings with them.

I think is because my parents not control on me and my siblings, so now when I grow up, I actually not dependent on my parents emotionally. I can leave home for a long time, without missing them. Or maybe is because nearly two years in KL dy, so I biasa dy??

I wish that I can care more bout my family. But maybe I never ever think that anything will happen next moment, so I just cant make my mind to care bout it... My family cannot be replaceable by others. But I think, maybe i put them as part of my life, like others, so I just treat them equally... I hope one day I will realize how important my family to me. I wish to bring them more that I can, especially love and care...

2nd choir team (chinese) 感言

真的结束了。。我等这一天等得很辛苦。。哈哈。。因为最近学业上的压力，所以就一直期望可以早点结束所有的活动，让我有更多自己的时间．另一方面，也许是一开始对它抱有某种期望，所以当理想和现实不符时，就会产生不满。。

我是自愿加入choir的。一开始是希望可以延续之前在家乡参与少年诗班那种归属感。我不指望有像陈凤仙指挥那么好的指挥，只希望能找回那种快乐的唱歌的感觉。刚开始的阶段，一切还好，出席率不错，练唱也轻松简单。到十二月练唱比赛歌曲，我就没把练唱放首位，不时不时跷了练唱时间了。原因：Umit给我更多乐趣。开学，一切停顿了。直到新年后，大家都几乎以为choir没出队了。后来被通知Samantha接下了Choir manager，才有开始用短短的几个星期时间练唱。

练唱进展并不好。会员出席率不高，教练不够专业，大家纪律都不好，钢琴设备不足，大家都没用心。到了最后一个星期，大家才来赶。。连指挥都是临时训练出来的。大家对指挥常常有很多不满，但我只能说，对一个新人，要求不能太高。我唯一的不满是练唱占去我太多时间。我讨厌每次大家不准时，然后练唱又玩玩，浪费很多时间。加上我当时要温习考试，对choir更是反感。我问过自己干嘛自作孽，找个东西来让自己讨厌。只能说，我没想过会是这样的。。我后悔过，但我没想过真正退出，我还是坚持到最后。。我忍，因为我知道大家都没错。。

今天的比赛，我只能讲，大家都唱得很开心。我是想，都最后一次唱了，也懂得怎样让自己开心的唱（想像某人嘛）。上场的时候，也真的心情很好，很开心。拿到第二名，是意料之外的，因为我们都知道自己唱得不是很好。俊耀问我做么看起来好像不是很开心。。我不是压力不开心，我只是没特别开心。Choir不是我所注重的，有好成绩，我只觉得，嗯，好呀，大家都很开心，很好。菁菁说我太冷静了，很恐怖。。哈哈。。我也觉得我就像是局外人看戏咯。也许是其他情绪盖过它了吧。。过程与结束给予我的感觉，大过胜利的感觉。我期待它的结束，但没想过它的胜利。没期望，就缺少了收成时的成就感与兴奋感。但我感恩，因为这个胜利，带给很多人快乐！！

Festival Seni - CHOIR - 2nd place - feeling...(Eng)

All have comes to the end, and its a happy ending truely.. Sure, all of us never guess that we can get the 2nd place, its a surprising result!!

Since my 1st year, I have the initiation to join choir. However, I lost the chance as each time I have personal things to do when its choir audition. So, comes to my 2nd year. I join choir joyfully, with high expectation to get back the same good feeling of joining church choir before. The beginning is quite ok, with many choir members, simply sing together happily.

Then, is a long break until sembreak then we only start practice for our festival seni. After 2nd sem start, the practice stop, until after chinese new year, it start again. It seems like last minutes work. We nearly think that our college give up to send choir team, but Samantha take this task, become the manager of choir team. So, the practice start again. All kinds of problems following... choir members poor attendance, conductor, coach, pitching, sound value... All these, make me feel disappointed to join it..

Until recently, we start everyday practising. It make me even feel fade up coz the long and uneffective practice time, especially these days i am facing lots of assignments and a test. I even feel like want to quit, but I know its near dy, why dont I just be there until the end? So, I try to accept and try to be fun in choir. Also, I can see Samantha sacrifies so much for choir, till she seems ill and tense. I see conductor's hard work in learning the technic although she still cant do so profesional coz she is a new learner..

Now, its all over. Thank God for giving us such a good achievement, although we may not doing perfect. I still remember last time read the news about Brazil football team, saying 'They are not praying God for victory, but praying God to let the team which can most glorious Him to win.' I am not sure whether our team is it or not... But, we feel happy on what we have achievement.

For me, I dint have much emotion on the unexpected achievement. I just think, its really out of our expectation, surprising. We have once critic so much about it and it even make me so down of the practice sessions. However, I am happy that for those who really sacrifice so much, they worth it!! They gain the good return!! And me, sure I am also happy coz I enjoy in the last performance, really! I pray God so that all of us can do our best in this performance, and sure He hear me!!

Just say, congratulation to all choir members! and our manager Samantha. Is a good ending to pack up the whole experience and memories in choir 0809 2nd college. Finally, I dint regret to join it.

My shadow...

These days, I find myself really a bad person...really really bad... I know, now comes to the time where I am emotional... I dont like it...

I feel hard to control my feeling. I know I have to think good about all things, but I let myself complain on everything I feel uneasy... I complain about choir, hate of practising for a long time, hate of the condition which is out of control, hate of it taking too much of my time (when I am in a condition of lacking time)...

I hate myself of being so stupid, foolish, emotional, fatigue, not energised, lazy, keep on sleeping, complaining, not caring bout others feeling, not tolerate with others, not disciplined, easy get angry, unable to help myself and others, bad memories......

Today's test do badly... 5 choose 4, i do two of it wrongly... I study it, but just when comes to the question, I just misunderstand it... 'cognitive distortion' I think is 'cognitive disorder', 'risk taking in mental health' I think its only in 'cognitive aspect'... I know this is due to I not study enough. I just read through and understand it, but not get overall concept of it. I do badly in both test in this subject, worth 40 marks, and I know I wont score well in this subject already... Hate it!!

Where am I?? Coming back lar... Festival Seni coming soon, no more choir later. I have plenty time to study after this. Wake up lar... I still have time... Assignment, study, final... What I need to concentrate now! Dont sleep too much lar... Stress, go away from me!!! Hate you!!!

personal diary - change or not change

Yesterday night, choir practising. While singing the song 'I will follow him', we need to move our body left and right according to the rhythm. We have said that the two raws of us have to move to different direction so that it wont looked weird.

So, its a time when all of the female raw is moving to the same side with male. I find it since beginning, so i adjust myself to it. However, the others still following the same pattern as when they start to move. There, I find three pattern among us. 1. Me, who move to the opposite direction to others, as what we have say before, different with guys one. 2. Majority, who move by the wrong direction since begin, and until last. 3. One or two, see my direction, wondering want to change or not.

Cheng asks me why I want to follow the different direction while others are all swing at the same direction. I tell her that because this is what the right direction. She say, but if you are the only different, doesnt it looked weird? I know it, but just I have no mood to be serious at that time, so I just simply do what i want.... I just get an idea from this situation.

1.When you are the one who is right, but majority of others are wrong, will you going to follow them? Or you just follow the right one although it looks weird? I am wondering... Sure, in the reality, if this condition happen, majority human will confuse and think that maybe is themselves who are wrong coz they are alone. I just want to say, if you think you are right, and its really got evidence to prove that you are right (although majority others not right), be confident with yourself and move on with it. If you decide to follow the other part, up to you...

2.Be alert whether you are doing the wrong thing or not, even though majority people doing it. This is for your own good, as a wise person who is aware of your own life. If you discover that something wrong, just be brave to change yourself. Dont afraid to be judged by others. We have the rights to change ourselves to the better.

3.If you find that somebody doing something weird, find out that is right or wrong, instead of criticing that person. If you find that he/she is right, are you brave enough to challenge yourself to correct yourself or still following the majority? Just in case that you know majority people is doing the wrong thing, you are one of them, and you discover you are not doing a good thing, dont hesitate to make change. Some people may be lazy to change or not dare to take the challenge. But imagine, when more and more people realize it and change, will the condition be better?